SERVICE in the SUEZ CANAL ZONE of EGYPT until 1956


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On A Lighter Side  -  Humour

As some of the jokes on this page are typical of what would be swopped between servicemen, and possibly service women,
they may include the odd swear word and / or reference to sex.  If this sort of humour is not to your liking, read no further.


© Charlie Delta. October 2004.
Latest additions: May 2007.
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A BA 747 pilot had waited for take off clearance for 45 minutes at Heathrow. A German 737 was cleared for take off immediately.
The BA pilot asked the tower why the German aircraft had been given immediate clearance.
Before the tower could reply, the German pilot came back with "Because I got up very early in the morning and put a towel on the runway!".

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There was a pensioner looking intently at a teenager sitting next to him on a park bench.  The teenager had spiked hair in different colours: Green, Red, Orange, and Blue.
The pensioner kept staring at him which eventually began to disturb the teenager. Sarcastically he asked, “What’s the matter old man, have you never done

anything wild in your life?" The pensioner never batted an eye in his response,
"Yeah, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.....I was just wondering if you were my son".  
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Why Men Have Better Friends.
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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While a Royal Corps of Transport driver in the Gulf War was transporting a disabled tank with its Squadron Leader Commander and crew, he jokingly referred to them as ‘Tankies’.
The Squadron Leader sternly retorted, “Driver, I am NOT a ‘Tankie’, I am an officer of the Household Cavalry”. Taking the officer to the rear of the low loader the driver pointed
to a dark patch under the tank and asked, “Excuse me Sir, that black stuff dripping from your tank onto the deck of my trailer, is it oil or horse-shit?”

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The Band of The Irish Guards was performing at a large concert.  The Director of Music was addressing the audience. “Being the Irish Guards I suppose we ought to do something
typically Irish”.  Quick as a flash someone from the back of the audience shouted  “Dig up the car park!”

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The Drill Sergeant had his squad on the parade ground.
 “This morning you will be marched to the Main Gate where a National Blood Transfusion van is waiting. Each one of you will give a pint of blood!”
There was a moment
of deathly silence which was followed by an Airman coming to attention with a crash of heel on the gravel. “Sergeant, I am not allowed to give blood”.
The Drill Sergeant stared at him for a few seconds. Shaking, but not moving his position, he bellowed, “Airman, you are wearing the Queen’s uniform.
When wearing the Queen’s uniform,
you will be prepared to give ALL your blood, not just one ******* pint!!”
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cartoon
"What's the sand like at Blackpool, Nobby?"

cartoon
"Makes no odds if it isn't a blinkin' mirage, 'Arry.
It's 'alf two now,  - the place will be closed."

cartoon
"Let's rest 'ere Bert, it must be near Naafi time."
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The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion but he had only one Lieutenant position available.
The colonel called the first 2/Lt into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 17.30, what
would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "I would get a shovel sir, head for HQ and start digging..."
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next 2/Lt, "I would fill out a work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..."
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the 2/Lt replied, "Sir. I would call the Senior Sergeant, and tell him:  “Sergeant, I want a #****#****# flag pole in front of HQ by 17.30!"
He was the one that got promoted.
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A squaddie was sitting outside the Old Vic Lido at Fayid and noticed a young lass near to him who sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for
ten to fifteen seconds.  
The squaddie went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the lass sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming
that she probably had a cold, the squaddie was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took
a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, he turned to the lass and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you,” she said, “I have a very rare medical condition, whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The squaddie was a bit embarrassed but was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the lass replied, "Pepper."
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A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.  “What was that for?” he asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name ‘Mary Ellen’ written on it”, she replied.
“Don’t be silly”, he says, “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I had a bet on.”
His wife seemed satisfied with his answer and apologised.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she clouts him with a bigger frying pan and knocks him out cold.
When he came round he asked, “What the hell was that for?”
She responds, “Your bloody horse has just phoned”.
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A soldier stationed in the Canal Zone received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girl friend.  It read as follows:

Dear Fred.
I am sorry, but I can no longer continue with our relationship, the distance between us is too great and it could be another eighteen months until we see each other again.
I must admit to having cheated on you twice since you have been away and that is not fair to both of us.  Please return the photo of me that I sent you.
Phyllis.

His feelings hurt, the soldier asked his pals for any photos they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, cousins and so on.  In addition to his photo of Phyllis he included
the 25 photos of the girls he had collected from his mates.  He put them all into an envelope with this note:

Dear Phyllis.
I am sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are.  Please take your photo from these enclosed and send the rest back to me.
Take care.
Fred.
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One day all the parts of a body had a debate to decide who should be in charge of the body.
“I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give you all energy.”
“I should be in charge”, said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge”, said the eyes, “because I enable the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge”, said the rectum, “because I am responsible for the waste removal.”
All the other parts of the body laughed at the rectum and insulted him.  So, in a bad mood he shut down tight.  Within a few days the body had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly. The eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.  They all decided that the rectum should be the boss after all.

The moral of this story? - It is usually an asshole that is in charge.
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According to contacts in the City, the Japanese banking crisis seems to be worsening.  Following last weeks news that Origami Bank has folded,
we are hearing that the Sumo Bank has gone belly-up and the Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke is up for sale and is going for a song.  Meanwhile, shares in the Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank and staff
fear they may get a raw deal.
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Mary had a little lamb        
Her father shot it dead       
Now it goes to school with her   
Between two chunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb     
It backed onto a pylon   
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to Nylon.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too, ‘cause he was gay.

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A drunk was stumbling along a river bank one Sunday afternoon when he came across a Baptismal service.  He staggers down into the water and stands next to the
Minister who turns to him and asks, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus”?
The drunk looks back at him and replies, “Yes sir, I am.”
The Minister then holds the drunk under water for a few seconds, then pulled him out and said, “Have you found Jesus?”  “No, I haven’t” says the drunk.
The Minister then holds him under the water for quite a while longer, pulls him out and asks, “Now brother, have you found Jesus?”  “No, I have not” says the drunk again.
Disappointed, the Minister holds the man under the water for a longer time, then brings him up and demands, “For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes the water from his eyes and says, “No, are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Rosie goes up to the Vicar after his morning service with tears in her eyes.
“What’s bothering you Rosie?” asks the priest.
“Oh Vicar, I’ve got some terrible news,” she replies, “my husband died last night.”
“Oh Rosie, that is dreadful, Tell me, did he have any last request?”
“Yes he did have one”, said Rosie.
“Tell me child, what was it he asked?”
“He said, please Rosie, put that bloody gun down.”
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman.  He gave her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a while.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”  “No”, he replies, “I have been given this brand new state-of-the-art wrist watch and I was just testing it”.
She was intrigued and asked, “What’s so special about it?” “Oh, it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically” he explained.
“What is it telling you now?” she asked. “Well, it says you are not wearing any underwear”.
She giggled and replied, “It can’t be working properly, because I am wearing underwear”.
“Damn”, said the man, “It must be an hour fast”.
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A couple of women were playing golf.  The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.  The woman rushed up to him and began to apologise.
“Please allow me to help” she said, “I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain.”  “I will be fine in a few minutes”, he gasped still clasping his hands together in his crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.  She gently took his hands away, loosened his trousers, put her hand inside and began to gently massage him.
“How does that feel?” she asked. To which he replied, “It feels great, but my hand still hurts like hell”.

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A private asked an officer,  “If I said you were an idiot Sir, what would you do?”
The officer replied,  “I would immediately put you on a charge for gross insubordination.”
The private asked,  “But if I thought you were an idiot Sir, what would you do then?”
The officer replied,  “Well, I couldn't do much at all about that.”
The private replied,  “In that case Sir, I think you are an idiot.”
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A software company developed a computer program which was supposed to be able to solve any Military strategic or tactical problem.
Some high ranking Army officers were evaluating the program and entered an imaginary war games situation into the computer with the question, Advance or Retreat?

The screen went blank for quite a while and then the word “YES” appeared. This baffled the officers until one of the brighter ones typed in the question, “Yes what?”
The computer immediately responded with “YES SIR!
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The Regiment returned to the UK after a tour of the Canal Zone and three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in one of the major skirmishes were summoned to
the Brigadier’s office.  The Brigadier explained that he was unable to give out medals for what they had done, but could offer them a cash payment.
“What we have decided to do”, he told them, “is to let each of you choose two points on your body and you will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.”

The first soldier said, “From the tip of my head to my toes, Sir." The Brigadier measured him and said, “Good man, that’s 72 inches which works out at £144.”
The second soldier said, “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the finger on the other, Sir.”  Again the Brigadier measured then said, “70 inches, that means £140 for you.”
The third soldier says, “From the tip of my penis to my balls, Sir.”  “You can’t be serious”, said the Brigadier,  “Oh indeed I am Sir” replied the soldier.
“All right” said the bewildered Brigadier, “Drop your trousers and I will measure you”. As he was doing so, he exclaimed, “Good gracious man, where are your balls?”
“Somewhere just
outside Ismailia,” replied the soldier.
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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a young man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me can you help
me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The young man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 51 and 52 degrees north latitude and
between 1 and 2 degrees west longitude."  "You must be an NCO," said the balloonist.  "I am," replied the young man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The NCO below replied, "You must be an Officer."  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the NCO, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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An old war embattled C.O. decided he would throw a party to celebrate his 40th year in the Army, he duly ordered a new dress uniform and on the night looked very
smart.  Next morning however, his batman said to him, “Sir whatever happened to your new uniform? It looks as if someone has vomited all over it". The C.O. replied,
"yes, and if I find out who the blighter was, I will give him 28 days”, to which the batman said, "I would make it 56 days Sir, he has s*** in your trousers as well."
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Two squaddies were taking part in an exercise and when driving through a village called in at the local pub where they got chatting to two girls.  The squaddies asked
them if they would like a ride in their 2.6 litre V6 green Rover convertible.  Imagine the girls surprise when they found it was an Army Landrover.
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A businessman got on an elevator and when he entered, there was a young blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her and replied, "s-h-i-t" She looked puzzled, and repeated, "t-g-i-f".  More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again said, "s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain that
"t-g-i-f" means: "Thank Goodness it's Friday."
The man answered "Yes, I know, and s-h-i-t" means, Sorry Honey it’s Thursday."
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The newly ordained padre on an Army camp was rather nervous about hearing confessions so asked the retiring padre to sit in on one of his sessions and give him
some advice.  After a while the older padre suggests they had a word in private.  "Just a few observations" said the older one,
"Try folding your arms over your chest
and rub your chin with one hand, and look serious."  The younger padre tried doing this.
"That's good" remarked his senior, "Now try saying things like, 'I see',  'I understand', and 'Yes, go on'.
The younger padre tried these things too.  "Well done" said the elder, "Now isn't that better than slaping your knee and saying -

'No way !!, whatever happened next?' "
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One afternoon, an old Suez Vet and his wife were relaxed watching television when she began to feel rather lustful.  She turned to her husband and said,
“Why don’t
we rush upstairs and make passionate love like we used to?”  “Hang on a bit” he said, “I can’t do both”.
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The camp band, which had a rather bad tempered conductor, was having a Saturday morning practice.  Due to a slight hangover the conductor was more unbearable
than usual, continually calling a stop to rant and rave at the musicians.  Eventually one of the players had suffered enough, stood up and went to walk out. "Where do
you think you are going?" the conductor shouted. “I'm leaving," said the musician, "It's dangerous to stay near a conductor during a storm”.
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He was going home on leave, the train was a bit crowded but he managed to sit against a very attractive and smart young woman.  “Hello, business trip or holiday?” he asked.
She smiled and replied “Business. I am going to Birmingham to attend a nymphomaniac conference.”  He swallowed hard and tried to keep calm. “What part do

you play at this conference?”  “I’m going to give a lecture to set straight some of the popular myths about sexuality”.  “Really” he asked, “What are those?”  She blushed
a little and said,  “Well, one is that African men are the most well endowed, and another is that the French are the best lovers. In actual fact it is the Mexicans who are
the biggest and the Greek are the best lovers.  But combining those two assets and adding stamina it is the Irish who come out best, but I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be
discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.”  That’s okay” he said, “My name is Carlos Juan Papadopoulos, but my pals call me Paddy.”
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There was a big ‘bash’ in the Officers Mess at one of the RAF camps; the guard at the entrance barrier was a young airman who had only recently been posted out to
the zone, white skinned and new KD with no sweat stains.  The Guard Sergeant had noticed this and stressed he should be extra vigilant and let no vehicle through the
barrier unless it had a special pass stuck onto the windscreen.  All went well for a while and the young man was getting to grips with the procedure when a Staff car
drew up with an AVM sitting in the back. “Halt! Who goes there?” “Air Vice Marshal Whittington-Smythe” replied the Corporal driver.
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through, you haven't a special pass shown on your windscreen.” “Oh, drive on Corporal” said the AVM.
“You can’t” argued the guard, “I have orders to shoot anyone trying to get in without a pass.”
The impatient AVM repeated his order to drive on.  The guard went up to the open window and said to the AVM,
 “Excuse me Sir, but I am new to this sort of thing,
do I shoot you or the driver?”
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She had learned to play the piano when very young and it became one of the passions in her life.  At some expense to her parents she later studied at a College
of Music where she did very well.  To combine this desire to play the piano with her other great love, travel, she decided to try and join the Army as a musician.
The demanding series of selection interviews included written tests and three arduous piano playing demonstrations.  Eventually she was accepted, and being so
thrilled, willingly signed up for overseas duty. When the time came the poor lass was shipped out to the Canal Zone. In the first letter she received from her
parents they asked how she felt to be finally playing the piano for a living.  In her reply she wrote: ‘Things have changed a little, it is impossible to drag a piano all
over the zone so I am now playing the Cymbals.’
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One of the British Destroyers of the Mediterranean Fleet, which had been patrolling the Suez Canal, was on her way back to the UK when she met one of those large
American Battleships. The Battleship sent a signal saying: “Hi.  How are things with the world's second largest Navy?”
The Destroyer signalled back: “Fine thank you.  How are things with the world's second best?”
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A.C. Johnson, a young airman who worked in No. 2 workshops RAF Fayid was the butt of much ridicule from the Warrant Officer i/c.  When on a weeks leave Johnson
decided to grow a moustache in the hope it would make him look more like a typical ‘RAF Type.’ On the first morning back at work the WO stared at him and asked in
a loud voice, “Johnson, what's so special about your nose that you think it has to be underlined?"
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An Army Captain and a Colonel were walking through the camp and every time they were saluted the salute was returned and the Captain said under his breath, “And
the same to you.”  “Why do you keep saying that?” asked the Colonel. The Captain replied, “I came up through the ranks so I know what they are thinking.”
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A squaddie was sitting by himself at the NAAFI bar getting some drinks down him and looking really miserable.  The NAAFI girl who was serving noticed this and
being a friendly lass asked why he was so glum. He explained that he had finished his tour out in the Canal Zone and was flying home in a couple of day’s time.
“Well, that’s great” she said, “but I thought you would be over the moon about it.”  He looked at her and said, “I suppose I should be, but the lads have arranged a big
celebration party for tomorrow night and they haven’t invited me.” 
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On one of its voyages to Port Said the ‘Empire Ken’ was battling through some heavy seas in the Bay of Biscay.  Dinner was being served in the officers mess when a
sudden crashing sound came from the galley.  “Good grief” shouted the captain, “Not more dishes?”  “No sir, less” came the reply.
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Whilst a ship of the Mediterranean Fleet was anchored in the Great Bitter Lake, one of the sailors received a message saying his wife had given birth to a baby son.
That night he celebrated so much he got very drunk.  The next day it was noticed the captain had written an entry in the ship's log, ‘Petty Officer Jenkins was drunk last
night.'  The Chief Petty Officer tried to defend him and said to the captain, “it was a special occasion, couldn't you overlook it?”  “No,” said the captain. “An accurate log
must be kept at all times.”  On checking the log after the night shift, the captain found another entry had been made. It read, “The captain was sober last night.”
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