The officer replied,
“I would immediately put you on a charge for gross
asked, “But if I thought you were an idiot Sir, what
would you do then?”
replied, “Well, I couldn't do much at all about that.”
replied, “In that case Sir, I think
you are an idiot.”
A software company
developed a computer program which was supposed to be able
to solve any Military strategic or tactical problem.
ranking Army officers were evaluating the program and entered an
war games situation into the computer with the question, Advance or
The screen went
blank for quite a while and then the word “YES” appeared. This baffled
the officers until one of the brighter ones typed in the question, “Yes
immediately responded with “YES SIR!”
The Regiment returned to
the UK after a tour of the Canal Zone and three soldiers that had
distinguished themselves in one of the major skirmishes were summoned to
office. The Brigadier explained that he was unable to give out
medals for what they had done, but could offer them a cash payment.
“What we have decided to do”, he told them, “is to
let each of you choose two points on your body and you will be given 2
pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.”
The first soldier
said, “From the tip of my head to my toes,
Sir." The Brigadier measured him and said, “Good man, that’s 72 inches
which works out at £144.”
The second soldier
said, “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the
finger on the other, Sir.” Again the Brigadier measured then
said, “70 inches, that means £140 for you.”
The third soldier
says, “From the tip of my penis to my balls, Sir.” “You can’t be
serious”, said the Brigadier, “Oh indeed I am Sir” replied the
“All right” said the bewildered Brigadier, “Drop your trousers and I
will measure you”. As he was doing so, he exclaimed, “Good gracious
man, where are your balls?”
“Somewhere just outside Ismailia,” replied the soldier.
A man in
a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted
a young man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me can
me? I promised a
friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The young man
below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30
feet above the ground. You are between 51 and 52 degrees north latitude
between 1 and 2
degrees west longitude." "You must be an NCO,"
said the balloonist. "I am," replied the young man, "How did you
the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I
have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so
The NCO below replied, "You must be an Officer." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the
NCO, "you don't know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no
idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your
problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we
met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
An old war embattled
C.O. decided he would throw a party to celebrate his 40th
year in the Army, he duly ordered a new dress uniform and on the night
morning however, his batman said to him, “Sir whatever happened to your
new uniform? It looks as if someone has vomited all over it". The C.O.
"yes, and if I
find out who the blighter was, I will give him 28 days”, to which the
batman said, "I would make it 56 days Sir, he
has s*** in your trousers as well."
Two squaddies were
taking part in an exercise and when driving through a village called in
at the local pub where they got chatting to two girls. The
them if they would
like a ride in their 2.6 litre V6 green Rover convertible.
Imagine the girls surprise when they found it was an Army Landrover.
A businessman got on an
elevator and when he entered, there was a young blonde already inside
who greeted him with a bright, "t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her
and replied, "s-h-i-t" She looked puzzled, and repeated,
"t-g-i-f". More slowly he answered, "s-h-i-t"
The blonde was
trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "t-g-i-f"
The man smiled
back to her and once again said, "s-h-i-t".
blonde decided to explain that
"Thank Goodness it's Friday."
The man answered
"Yes, I know, and s-h-i-t" means, Sorry Honey it’s Thursday."
The newly ordained padre
on an Army camp was rather nervous about hearing confessions so asked
the retiring padre to sit in on one of his sessions and give him
After a while the older padre suggests they had a word in
private. "Just a few observations" said the older one,
"Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with
one hand, and look serious." The younger padre tried doing this.
"That's good" remarked his senior, "Now try saying things like, 'I
see', 'I understand', and 'Yes, go
The younger padre tried these things too. "Well done" said the
elder, "Now isn't that better than slaping your knee and saying -
'No way !!,
whatever happened next?' "
One afternoon, an
old Suez Vet and his wife were relaxed watching television when she
began to feel rather lustful. She turned to her husband and said,
we rush upstairs and make passionate love like we used to?” “Hang
on a bit” he said, “I can’t do both”.
The camp band, which had
a rather bad tempered conductor, was having a Saturday morning
practice. Due to a slight hangover the conductor was more
continually calling a stop to rant and rave at the musicians.
Eventually one of the players had suffered enough, stood up and went to
walk out. "Where do
you think you are
going?" the conductor shouted. “I'm leaving," said the musician, "It's
dangerous to stay near a conductor during
going home on leave, the train was a bit crowded but he managed to
sit against a very attractive and smart young woman. “Hello,
business trip or holiday?” he asked.
She smiled and replied “Business. I am going to Birmingham to attend a
He swallowed hard and tried to keep calm. “What part do
you play at this
conference?” “I’m going to give
a lecture to set straight some of the popular myths about
sexuality”. “Really” he asked, “What are those?” She blushed
a little and
said, “Well, one is that African men are the most well endowed,
and another is that the French are the best lovers. In actual fact it
is the Mexicans who are
the biggest and
the Greek are the best lovers. But combining those two assets and
adding stamina it is the Irish who come out best, but I’m sorry, I
with you, I don’t even know your name.” That’s okay” he said, “My
name is Carlos Juan Papadopoulos, but my pals call me Paddy.”
There was a big ‘bash’
in the Officers Mess at one of the RAF camps; the guard at the entrance
barrier was a young airman who had
only recently been posted out to